Spiritual Sense of Humor- Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

 

Laughter is the quickest way

 

I had a great humorous email exchange with a guy named Dan

I had a great email exchange with someone named Dan:

Dan’s emails are in BLUE

My responses are in BLACK

In the fifteenth year of his current incarnation, Dan had a powerful spiritual awakening that opened up not only his third eye, but a third ear and nostril as well, utterly transforming his life into an orificial smorgasbord that thereafter made annual physicals and body cavity searches take twice as long.

While this initial awakening later proved to be acid reflux, it did initiate a spiritual journey that eventually led Dan to India, where he met his beloved master, Sri Gulab Jamun, or as he lovingly called him, “Donut Hole.”  Sri Donut conferred upon Dan his highest blessing, and transmitted Shakti along with several non-communicable diseases.  Thereafter, Dan began seeing spirits, floaters, and the occasional stripper.  “It was as if blinders had fallen from my eyes at last, and everything I saw thenceforth was a student in need of my teachings.”

In a departure from the usual satsang arrangement, while chairs are placed in the customary positions, Dan prefers that they all be turned 180 degrees, so that students each face the back of the room, while Dan faces the front.

Dan believes exactly what you believe, but without the fuss and muss of time, space, or surcharges, making assimilation of his teachings much easier.  He has come to see that all that can be seen is readily seeable, if not foreseeable, and that most of life’s problems can be attributable to celiacs.

“There is no me in thee, no thee in thou, no I in team, and no returns on sale items.  It is up to each individual to cease being an individual and to commence becoming a being of non-becoming, effortlessly, choicelessly, non-judgmentally, and by 5 pm on Sunday, as we need to clear the room for a twelve step meeting that begins promptly afterward.”

When the student is ready, the teacher will be there, and will accept cash, Pay Pal, and most major credit cards.

I don’t know who you are sir, but I’d like to invite you to teach at my satsang.

You will of course have to pay the customary 50% surcharge to speak to my students.

Pricey I know, but the good news is that we can charge twice as much because there will be two  of us teaching.

That’s a whopping $17.35 per student. (minus gas, rental fee, advertising, website, peyote laced coolaid and police payola)

I will sit at the front of the room.

You may sit at the back.(Don’t be offended sir- we’re all one here-calm down)

The students will gather on a twister mat in the center of the room.

I will ask the questions.

You will answer them.(Jeopardy format is fine- I dig that- May I borrow sometime?)

The students will twist.

We will make a fortune, and so will the local chiropractor.  (He’s on my payroll- cha-ching! 30% percent baby)

I think, to add spice to this whole arrangement, you and I should do several lines of cocaine before the event and teach sans clothes.

Our students will be too tangled up and in pain (existential-enlightenment pain) to notice anyway.

Please have your staff contact mine, or your eternal self contact mine (moody bitch) , or your pimp contact mine – which ever suits.

I’ll get back to you in a week- taking my yacht to the Bahamas today (with three blond hotties I met at satsang last night!

J Stewart Dixon (Jeff the Magnificent)

Bless you, kind sir, and the existential horse you rode in on. And thank you for including me in your blue collar blog. I am deeply honored, and onerously deepened.

No sir it is I who is blessed by you blessing me after I blessed you first, which makes your reciprocated blessing a much fatter mack-daddy blessing. (We should selfie this blessing ritual while teaching and instagram it)

It will be my great pleasure to assist you in your class I must first, however, confirm the extent of your enlightenment. Please complete the following quiz (closed book, I’m afraid) and return it as timelessly as possible.

Dude, I took the enlightenment level test and the star wars character personality test. I scored 7.4 on the enlightenment score and my true nature is Wookie. (That’s right- read em and weep) I heard Rupert Spira scored 6.5 and was a Jar Jar Binks!   I am very very very very very super very enlightened- to the max, but because I’m bored and it is a dull grey winter day here -sure, I’ll take the test.

The TEST:

A monk met Joshu on the road.  “Oh great master,” asked the monk, “does even a dog have Buddha nature, and do you know the way to the closest ATM?”  Joshu retorted, “Mu!  And turn right at Willow Street.”  Does the ATM charge a convenience fee?

This is a trick question. The clue being in the Joshu’s reply “Mu”, which as everyone knows was one of the Atlantis islands, proving sir that you are a true woo-woo new age crystal hugging nimbus fairey.

In Advaita Vedanta, it is said that all is one. But in the Tao Te Ching, it is said that the one makes two. If Joe has three apples and gives two to Mary, why did the Great Mother cross the road?

Mother Meera? Mother Theresa? Ammachi? Amma? Indira Gandhi? Paris Hilton?  See the problem here?

You are on a boat that is stranded in the middle of an ocean; aboard are a priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, two pheasants, and an ox. Why did you bring an ox?

Is this Life of Pi part 2?

Arjuna vs. Hanuman: thumb wrestling. Who wins?

Monkey boy wins.

If the ego is like a an arsonist in fireman’s clothing, and the self is like the child of a barren woman, why are Beiber fans, like, so totally lame?

Okay, now you’ve pissed me, my ego and my self  off.

Fill in the Blank:

Adyashanti  is to Gangaji like Justin Beiber is to Miley Cyris but without the cucumbers and twerking .  (Warning- do not visualize this – permanent brain and libido damage may result)

  1. True of False:

  2. ___ All men are mortal.

  3. ___ Socrates is a man.

  4. ___ Sure, he cross-dresses every now and again, but who doesn’t?

  5. ___ Cross-dressing gets to be an expensive habit.

  6. ___ Habits are worn by nuns.

f.___ All nuns are women.

  1. ___ Socrates is immortal.

Yes.

All of life is interconnected, but try getting from DC to NYC without paying a king’s ransom in tolls.  Expound…

This is why I live in the country, go bass fishin, and drink beer

Dr. Rosenbaum charges $2,750 for a chin tuck and a forehead lift, while Dr. Kitzpatrick charges $3,000 for the chin tuck alone but has the better reputation. You’re looking for liposuction. Do you

(a) drive to Pizza Hut;

(b) order the large traditional crust;

(c) include extra pepperoni; or

(d) order 2 Pabst Blue Ribbons

Any answer alluding to Pabst Blue Ribbon is clearly always already in this moment the answer, and if you are finding that you are not always already in the enlightened awakened moment well then, have more beer.

 

 

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