Insult- Zen and the Art of Kicking your Ass into Spiritual Awakening

So, you want to wake up do ya? Hmmm? Really?…

Great. Well then, come sit on my knee and allow me to insult you.  Every tradition has their equivalent of a zen beating: an austerity, or test, or bare bones knock down fist fight that really tests the limits of your determination to actually go through with this waking up business.    … (continued)

Let’s face it, the monastery can hold only so many monks, so some of the candidates need to be weeded out. This is sort of like the first horrible round of American Idol; the round backstage, behind the scenes, where the cameras are definitely not turned on- because it’s just too pathetic to be entertaining. This is evolution at it’s finest- natural, organic, and wholesome- The universe’s own little way of filtering out the dilettantes and dabblers. Nothing wrong with it. Done with love. Done cleanly, neatly, and efficiently.

Head on chopping block please…

It takes a lot to wake up– but most people standing in line to purchase tickets to the next Eckhart Tolle-Oprah wake-up-athon are totally oblivious to this fact. Don’t get me wrong old O’ and Eckhart do a tremendous amount of politically correct good, -but- authentic awakening requires one to pass through a gauntlet of politically incorrect, awakening, zen beatings. This is absolutely required in order to hammer the ego into it’s obsequious, subservient and proper place.

So, for all you lovely people out there who are thinkin’ -enlightenment, cool, I’d like to try me some of that- grab a ticket, stand in line, and come, receive my child…your zen beating:

30 Reasons why you will not win the

American Idol Awakening Contest:


1. You’re an overweight suburbanite who  watches too much TV,  reads the horoscopes religiously and checks your facebook page every 15 minutes for likes on a cat video you recently posted.

2. You’re over fifty and just discovered the idea of reincarnation and esp.

3. Enlightenment, UFOs and 2012 all mean pretty much the same thing to you.

4. You think you will become one with the universe, all your problems will go away, and you will obtain a glowing halo by waking up.

5. You’re a soft spoken, mousey, spineless, new-age wimp.

6. You avoid conflict and are afraid to assert your opinion.

7. You think all paths are the same and lead to the same shiny-happy mountain top.

8. Your powers of discrimination suck.

9. You aren’t smart enough.

10. You don’t read enough.

11. You don’t have a basic sense of proper diet, good health, and bodily hygiene.

12. You’re an aging hippy pothead.

13. You’ve gotten a hug from Ammachi, and now, wonder why you haven’t woken up.

14. You’ve practiced krimala-vipassa-kunda-shakti-yoga for the last 3 decades and wonder why you haven’t woken up.

15. You’ve dropped more acid than Jerry Garcia and wonder why…

16. You meditate 6 hours a day and wonder why…

17. You think, read, cogitate, ponder, philosophize, chronically mentally masturbate and wonder why…

18. You’ve fucked tantric style with 30 different partners in 143 different positions and wonder why…

19. (In case you’re wondering, yes, I’m really enjoying writing this list)

20. You’re reluctant, shy, ambivalent, and indecisive

21. You’re afraid to try new people, places, things, or experiences

22. You believe all things spiritual should be free

23. You avoid spiritual authority figures like Sat Sang Teachers, Gurus, Yoga Masters, Enlightenment Teachers, etc.

24. You’ve never done drugs.

25. You think the Dali Llama and The Pope are enlightened.

26. You have not given yourself permission to wake up.

27. You aren’t broken hearted enough to wake up.

28. You aren’t humble, honest, authentic, or true-to-yourself enough to wake up

29. You aren’t crazy enough to wake up.

30. You don’t have the courage to do what it takes to wake up.


Anyone left in the room? Congratulations, and welcome … to the monastery.

about JSD v2






If humor, wisdom and a nuts & bolts approach to spiritual awakening appeal to you email to schedule a FREE consultation and let’s see if we can get you to where you really want to be by getting you to embrace all the places you’ve been avoiding, fearing or running from.

Through self-inquiry exercises, nondoing relaxation methods, visualization techniques, eye contact & deep heart listening J. Stewart Dixon offers spiritual awakening facilitation, resonance & coaching services to guide you to glimpses of the awakened state & ultimately to your own awakening. J. Stewart studied for two decades & awakened under the guidance of numerous nondual, advaita & zen teachers.





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